Once upon a time there was a girl born on this planet. She grew up in a suburb of a Minneapolis, MN. She had two parents who looked just like her and eventually a little sister who matched the the redheaded gene that this family carried.
Her name, whether you think names are important or not, was Amanda. She was kind and gentle. She loved people and wanted them to love each other. She grew up saying things like. "Why can't we all get along." and "Don't fight.". She was all about love from day one. She wanted everyone to just get along and love each other.
It bothered her when there was conflict, especially if that conflict was directed at her, whether she had gotten herself in trouble, like children often do, or whether others were just being cruel to her, she struggled with that. She couldn't stand being in or around conflict. She grew up realizing that she had gained a fear of confrontation growing up this way and she would avoid it at all costs. She would rather quit a job rather than workout any differences with a manager or a co-worker because that meant a confrontation.
As she grew into a beautiful woman, she continued to struggle with the ideals of common society, of how the world works. She would often say things like. "People shouldn't have to work, they should have time to do what they love." She never understood why so many people were zombies to their day jobs. How could people work from 9-5 every day, go home, take care of everything at home, and then wake up and do it again. Furthermore, how can people work their whole lives and then not get to really enjoy their lives until retirement at 70 years old.
Many things didn't make sense in this world. She never really understood it. And she never would, because the truth is, it's not how it's supposed to be. We're slaves. Working for these big corporations that suck all the energy out of us until all that's left are compliant disease ridden zombies that can do the bidding of the higher ups.
It was when Amanda started to see the truth of the world that things started to go badly for her. Her first step in awakening to the realities of this world was to realize that there was something called. The Law of attraction. The idea that if you think about positive things, than positive things come to you. She started playing with this concept and started to make it work for her. She used it to get her favorite job ever. But, right then, that's when she started feeling sick. She had weird pains in her back, strange things started happening with her eyes, bruises started appearing all over her legs. It wasn't long after that, when she realized she needed to see a doctor.
She diagnosed with what she was told was a treatable form of Leukemia. She didn't miss a step. Yes it was hard going through chemotherapy, there was lots of fear and uncertainty going into it, but she was in the best place possible, had the best nurses, and lucked out and stayed on a newly refurbished wing of the hospital and had a room with an amazing view. All of these together made her feel like she was still in control, like the universe was still on her side. So she stayed positive. She made signs to hang up in her hospital room with affirmations and positive quotes.
She journaled, she colored, she wrote, she danced, she sang, she watched movies, she meditated, and during this time she awakened even more to the truth of the world and what was around her. She started to open up spiritually and started to explore esoteric topics and conspiracy theories and her eyes opened even more to the truth of what was happening in the world. She started to talk to like minded people as she did more research.
After her treatment was over, she had high hopes that she was done with cancer. Her hair grew back, she felt great, she felt normal again, unfortunately, the cancer came back. A year after she had been diagnosed, she was back in the hospital receiving more chemotherapy. This time she was broken, she was depressed, and even though she still filled her room with positive affirmations and quotes. She struggled because the chemo was worse than the first one. There were far more side effects, she lost all the hair she had just grown back. She was told that she had to get a Bone Marrow Transplant which meant she would have to go through even more intense chemo therapy to wipe out her immune system and would need a donor's cells to come in and give her a new immune system.
She had many doubts about going through with this. It wasn't until one of her newly found spiritual friends encouraged her go through with it that she finally gave in. The reason for this is that no one else had done the research she had done, and when she talked about it, no one believed her, so she decided it was important for not just her family to support the idea of a bone marrow transplant, but also her friends who had done the same research as her. So she went through with it with the tremendous donation by her sister with whom she had always had a special connection with. Not just a sisterly connection, but a spiritual connection.
It was a long and hard journey with lots of hiccups along the way. Lots of pain, fatigue, inability to eat, inability to taste. She was surrounded by love and support the entire time and that was the only way she was able to get through.
After that was over she started dealing with Graft Vs Host, which is what happens when your new cells don't recognize you and attack you. She didn't like this and it scared her, but it still wasn't so bad and she was still living, so that was good. She continued her spiritual awakening. She continued to research and try to understand her world. She worked on meditation and her intuition, she had readings done, she figured out what the afterlife was to her. She felt like she could handle this now. She could handle dealing with Graft vs host if it meant that she was to live. She still wasn't sure if she had a purpose for living, but she felt like she could live like this and that she could find some normalcy again.
However, even though she bulldozed forward, she was struck again. Two lumps formed. One on her face and one on her chest. She was hoping this meant that she had an infection. Something easy to treat. But, as you probably guessed, the cancer had come back yet again. She wasn't sure if she could do this again. All the crappy treatments, that make you feel like you've been hit by a train. All the pain, the torture, the agony.
But.... Then.... one night she was visited by a being. I know you aren't going to believe me, but this being was was from another planet. They were white, and taller than her, they had no hair and almond shaped eyes with a small mouth. The being that visited her was female and spoke to her telepathically. She could hear a female voice in her head.
"Amanda, you must continue to fight. You are being attacked. That is why the cancer keeps coming back."
"Why? What do you mean?" She asked.
"In your last life you were known through many star systems. You're name was Anara. And you were meant to come here and fulfill your destiny. The ones who run this planet, the ones who you call "The Elite", They figured out who you are. They are trying to shut you down, but you have the power within you to stop them. You just have to see it. You just have to believe it. You are stronger than you could ever know. Know that we are always with you. We are here with you, supporting you. But you have to survive through this and continue your work here. You aren't done yet. There is much left to do. It's time to wake up to your inner power. I will come to you again when I can. In the mean-time. Stay strong."
With that, the being left her presence.
Amanda was newly awakened and renewed. She knew she had to fight for her life and she knew how to do it.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Thursday, March 28, 2019
How I See My Ideal Life
Wealth
1. I want to have plenty of money
without having to work.
2. I want to be able to share my riches
with family and friends.
3. I want to be able to donate money to
people who need it.
4. I want to be able to travel with my
husband and my dog and meet new people and heal myself, Chris, and others.
Health
1. I want to be and feel strong.
2. I want to have the ability to easily
hike for miles and enjoy many different parts of nature.
3. I want to live from joy instead of
fear.
4. I want to be vibrant and joyful.
5. I want to be confident and loving.
6. I want to feel vibrantly healthy in
mind, body, and spirit.
7. I want to become someone who loves to
be active and feels stronger and better when I am active.
8. I want to encourage others to be
active and to move.
9. I want to be the kind of person who
meditates every day.
1. I want to be the kind of person who
stretches and makes time to strengthen and stretch my body.
1. I want to feel better than I have
ever felt in my entire life and continue to feel that way for the rest of my
life.
Love
1. I want to grow in my love with Chris.
2. I want our love to flourish.
3. I want us to find ways to enjoy
eachother that we never thought possible.
4. I want to find new ways to love my
husband.
5. I want to find new ways to explore
sexuality with him.
6. I want to feel closer to him.
7. I want to get stronger with him as
individuals and as a couple.
Career
1. I want to heal people.
2. I want to provide energy healings to
those in need.
3. I want to find other healing
modalities and train myself in them so I can provide a variety of healing
options.
4. I want to become more intuitive so I
can offer psychic readings, Tarot Readings, and Oracle Card readings.
5. I want to send love and light to
people in new and unique ways.
6. I want to provide guided meditations
for people.
7. I want to help to awaken those who
are not yet awake.
Spirituality
1. I want to learn more about ascension
and what I can do to prepare myself for it.
2. I want to teach others about what
I’ve learned about spirituality.
3. I want to move on to the next step in
my spiritual awakening without fear.
4. I want to keep doing research and
continue my spiritual learning by reading books and watching youtube videos.
5. I want to meditate more.
6. I want to heal the earth and the
people on it.
7. I want to see what is hidden from me.
8. I want to have an ET experience.
9. I want to see the matrix and
understand it.
Family
1. I want to spend more time with my
niece and nephew.
2. I want to spend more time with my
family in general.
3. I want them to be prosperous and
happy.
4. I want my family to be healthy.
5. I want my family to love each other.
6. I want to heal them all.
7. I want to be there for them when they
need me.
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Past Life Regression Meditation
I woke up to find myself as a fairy. I had dark hair and fair skin. I had big brown eyes and my wings looked like those of a monarch butterfly. I was wearing a dress of some sort, but the dress wasn't clear, it kept changing in my vision.
I was barefoot and I could feel the grass underneath my feet as I stood next to my unicorn companion. I stared into her eyes and her into mine. We had a very close connection. I found myself instinctively petting her mane and her head as we stood together.
The world we were in was different than anything I had ever seen. Everything seemed to glow with this rainbow light.
Me and my unicorn were standing by a stream that was surrounded by bright colored flowers. Nearby was a forest and in the distance I could see a silver castle glowing in the sunlight. I could see tons of rolling hills covered in glowing flowers and a rainbow in the sky.
The voice on my meditation asked me to go to a different time in the same life time that was of importance. At first, I was having trouble getting past the initial picture of me as a fairy with the unicorn, but as I let go a bit more, my mind took me deep in the woods with other fairies. Each had a different look to them. Each was wearing different colored clothing and had different colored wings and there were male and female fairies. I stood in the middle of them all and I was being granted a position as the guardian of the unicorns.
Shortly after this vision, the person running the meditation told us it was time to go home. So within seconds I was out of my past life and back to my home.
I will be honest. I have been looking at pictures of fairies and unicorns lately, so this could have just come from those. But, I have always been drawn to fairies and I do believe that I was one in a past life. Maybe even many past lives. Maybe when we are strongly drawn to things it's not just because we like them, it's because it reminds us of a different time, a different life.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
My Spiritual Self
Aliens/ETs I know what you are thinking. Why in the world would Aliens or ETs be considered a part of a spiritual belief system. Well, first of all let's start with the question; "Have you ever seen one?" "Do you even believe they exist?" The idea of Aliens and Extra-Terrestrials is just about as well known an idea as Jesus Chris and God. But, before I go into why Spirituality and Aliens go together for me, I want you to know that they don't replace my belief in God or even in Jesus.
I believe that Aliens are part of who we are as humans. I think that they are one with us as they are part of the multi-verse. We are not alone. There is a God, but God didn't just create one Universe and one Solar System and one planet that could hold life. So, what does that tell you? That there are many many many many other planets out there that support life and that DO support life. This isn't something that I just believe either. I internally know that it's true. I resonate with the information. I didn't come upon this information internally, I got it from people that are often referred to as "Whistle blowers".
I have always been interested in Aliens and ET life and when I was younger I also had a great obsession with the stars. I would plan whole evenings where I would just lay on a blanket and look up at the stars. I was always interested in UFO stories, all the stuff that came out of Roswell, and really anything else that came up that I could find. As I got older and information was easier to come by, I still held my interest in UFOs, but it wasn't until I was 35 that I really started to find the information I'd been looking for my entire life. It all started when I started watching a television show called Cosmic Disclosure on Gaia TV. I was glued to the screen and couldn't get enough of the two main whistle blowers that came forward on that show to share their experiences with secret government programs and experiences with Alien beings from all over the galaxy and the multi-verse.
Before being privy to this information which resonated with me and which I did believe wholeheartedly. I had already started meditating pretty regularly and also had been dabbling in the arts of the Law of Attraction and I'd had some little successes with making it work. Throughout what I call my Awakening. I was diagnosed with Leukemia, and this didn't stop me from continuing my spiritual work, my meditations, and to stay positive. After I was done with my first round of treatments, I felt pretty great and went right back to learning more about Aliens, ETs, Government cover ups and any other information I could get my hands on.
Okay, so on to the more spiritual stuff, since that is what this blog is about. Part of the show Cosmic Disclosure talks about Earth's ascension to 4D. Without going into it, it's sort of similar to the rapture explained in the bible, but better in my opinion because the rapture talks about taking all the "Good Christians" up to heaven and leaving everyone else down here on Earth to suffer through the Apocalypse and then die and go to hell I assume. However this Ascension is for all humanity. According to Cosmic Disclosure, humanity is currently going through a mass awakening. We are all waking up to the reality of what truly is and started to shed our old beliefs and seeing ourselves for the divine beings that we truly are. After learning about all of this, I started to meditate more, and to try to connect with my divine self. I've taken classes, worked with other spiritual people, joined a FB group that is filled with like-minded people from all over the world, and have connected with someone from that group who is here in Minneapolis. The biggest thing for us all to remember, is to trust in the universe or God, or Source, or whatever you want to call it to bring us forward into whatever is next to come. We are highly valued, loved, and protected.
Okay Great! If you got this far and you are still with me, I applaud you! That last bit probably sounded like pure nonsense to you if you aren't familiar with it. If you are curious, I strongly recommend watching Cosmic Disclosure on Gaia TV. There are also other shows on there that might be easier to watch and bring about your own awakening. I thank Gaia TV for waking me up to the truth.
My First Belief
So, our parents bring us up a certain way, sometimes they let us decide what to believe in when it comes to religion or spirituality, and other times they teach us what we should believe based on what they believe. I was brought up Christian for example and for a while I was the only one in my family who went to church and did all the religious things like getting baptized and going through Confirmation. I also went on two mission trips during this time. I don't take any of that back, that is all still a part of who I am today. However, my first spiritual belief that I ever came up with on my own was that EVERYTHING IS ENERGY. This was after I had noticed how corrupt the church was and that was when I decided I wasn't sure what was good anymore. I always thought I had been on the right path, but when I started to doubt my spiritual path, I decided that the only thing I knew for sure was the EVERYTHING IS ENERGY.
What Else Do I Believe?
I believe that certain crystals have healing powers and can deflect negative energy. I also believe that they each have different qualities that make them unique and give them different powers.
I believe that the human mind is a very powerful thing and that we, as humanity, have only scratched the surface of what we can do as the human race.
I believe in God, the ultimate Creator. However, I believe in a different God than the one from Christianity. I DO NOT believe that any God that is made of pure love, would also create a place called Hell where "bad" people go when they die and suffer forever. I especially don't believe that God would ever send all those that don't believe in him to Hell as well. It just doesn't make sense and it just isn't true. There is a conspiracy theory that says that the original bible didn't even have Hell in it. Hell was added later on as a means to control. I also believe that God is us and we are God. There are some who believe we were created by God, but there are others who believe we were "seeded" or "created" by Aliens who have a vested interest in our growth as a collective. If it is true that Aliens created us, it does not mean that God did not, because God is us and God is them and God is all of us.
Ascension
I believe that Earth is going through a shift right now and that ascension for humanity is right around the corner. It requires us to do lots of inner work so that we cal all ascend to the new earth. Ets are here to assist us through this transition. This will be a smooth transition and the Aliens will help us through and provide for us what we need. We do not need to be afraid of this. This cycle happens every 25,000 years.
I believe we all have spirit guides and I have at least 4. Two of these guides or Extra-Terrestrials and one is Christ and one is my Grandma. Christ has been showing himself to me in meditations since I was going through my relapse Chemotherapy which was a really tough time for me. He came through in a meditation a few times and gave me gifts. Some were light and one was a dove.
I also believe in Angels and Angelic energies. My Mom was going through a tough time when I was in the hospital for the first time with Leukemia since she was also dealing with my Grandpa being in assisted living and not being happy about it. She was at the Grocery store looking at produce when she noticed a woman staring at her. She turned to look at the woman, and she said something, but my Mom didn't quite make it out and so my Mom said "What?" and the woman repeated. "You can only do one thing at a time." So my Mom took this as a message from the angels, it was obvious that her spirit guides were speaking through this woman and my Mom knew she could only do one thing at at time and I think that helped her get through that rough time.
I think there are ways to communicate with the other side. When I activated my spirit guides I asked them to provide me with synchronicity to show me that I was on the right path. And the night after I activated them I saw my first one. It was 11:11 on the clock. Since then, I've seen "Angel Numbers" all over the place. 222, 333, 444, 555, 777, 999, 1111, and some times up to 4 numbers in a row or certain numbers together like once I saw 1111 and 5555 on a sign and then saw it again on another sign. If you don't understand numerology or the significance of angel numbers, please look them up, there is lots of great information online. If I see one of these numbers, I often google it to find out what it's significance is, to see if there is a specific reason I am seeing that number.
My Mom and I were sitting in her living room downstairs and suddenly we heard this music box playing, and I was so freaked out because we were alone in the house and it seemed like it was right out of a horror movie. It was coming from upstairs and I told my Mom not to go up there. She listened to me, but when my Dad came home, he went up there and found the music box sitting on the laundry room floor. The weird thing was that the music box has never played on it's own since AND, my Mom tested it later on and it wouldn't play when she wound it up because the switch was turned to off. It wouldn't play unless the switch was turned to on. So there was definitely something supernatural happening. We both believe it was my Grandma, because it was when my Grandpa was in assisted living and wasn't doing well.
What I Know About the Afterlife
There is no fear in the afterlife. There is no sadness, no anxiety, no negativity. There is only love.
Lessons can be learned at any point of your existence, including in the afterlife. You can choose to experience more lives on different planets if you choose or you can choose to experience more lives on Earth. You can rest, you can play, you can do whatever you want.
You might have to escape what the conspiracy theorists refer to as The Matrix first. I was told that to do this you have to turn away from the light and think "I want to go home." and you will be there, wherever your soul originated. Or you say "Show me the matrix and all of it's exits." and then go through one of the many exits.
I'm unsure if loved ones that passed on are actually there to greet you after death. There has been some confusion on this. Some have said that loved ones being there after death are just entities making you feel comfortable so you follow them into the soul trap. Also known as The Matrix or Earth's reincarnation cycle. Some believe that this soul trap has been taken down now and is no longer a concern, but I feel it is worth it to mention it, because if it does exist people should be aware.
I also believe that we live forever and we live to experience, learn, grow and eventually return to source which is the ultimate goal.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Why Did I Choose to Go Vegan?
I first decided to go Vegan after being diagnosed with Leukemia in July 2017. My reasoning for changing my diet was for health reasons. I had done tons of research and I just wanted to do something that I had control over, which was what I ate. Since I was diagnosed with a possibly fatal disease, switching to veganism or a plant-based diet as some would call it, was super easy. It just made sense and it was easy to stick to the diet. Also, after sticking to the diet for a few months, I fixed all of my gastrointestinal problems that I had been having for years. 
My veganism morphed into not just a way of healthy eating, but a way to help heal the world, to save precious lives, and to be a part of something bigger than myself. During this time, I also went through a spiritual awakening, where I started to see things differently. There had been this curtain over my eyes for years and and now I could finally see. I felt better eating vegan, body, mind and soul.
Mind: My anxiety has lessened since starting a plant based diet and I am mentally stronger and more capable of taking control of my reactions in most situations. I'm also more capable of finding peace within myself and this is something that I've always struggled with.
Body: I feel stronger eating a plant based diet. I have more energy than I ever had when I ate animal products, and I just feel all around healthier now than I did when I consumed meat, dairy and eggs. Also, as mentioned above, eating this way cured me of IBS and GERD which I had been struggling with for years previous to switching to a plant-based diet.
My favorite thing about being vegan is that there are so many products out there that make it easier to make my favorite meals vegan. I still get to enjoy my food, or have pizza when I have the craving, or eat my favorite dishes when I want to because everything can be made Vegan. I also have a great community of Vegans on Facebook that are happy to answer any questions about local Vegan restaurants or what to use as a substitute in a recipe, or a substitute for a favorite dairy product.
I've also become quite the Vegan Chef. See my Vegan Cooking Blog Here. I love pulling recipes from Pinterest and elsewhere and make them at home. I love planning our meals and then sharing the delicious vegan food with my husband and with others. My favorite thing is to have a friend or family member tell me that my Vegan food is good, better than they expected, or that they would have never known it was vegan.
This was my choice and it is my path. I'm not writing this to force it down your throat or try to get you to join me in being Vegan. It just happens to be the right choice for me and I know in my heart that this is the way to go.
Something that I have to tell myself every day is that each person walks their own path and that each person gets to choose what they do every day, what goes into their bodies, and what kind of person they are, and what kind of life they lead. That's not up to me. But I did want to share my vegan journey with you. It has brought me much light and much positive energy, but it has also brought some struggles and realizations that have helped me learn and grow along the way.
If you made it to the end of the blog, I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this and I want you to know that I respect you and your life path. Live on and Live Well. Life is short.
Monday, February 11, 2019
The Very Real Story of Frederico. My Brazilian Love.
The following are a series of journal entries from one of my journals from High School. Within it's pages, I document a short lived love story between me and a 21 year old guy from Brazil that my best friend Andrea sets me up with. I tried to edit the entries so they were easier to read. I wanted this documented somewhere online. My plan is to eventually turn the entries into a short story. But I really wanted to share the real and true story, before making it into a work of fiction to share with the masses. If you have come across this. I hope you enjoy this High School Romance story about a girl and her first love.
Dear Journal,
I found someone to keep my mind off of other boys for a while. His name is Frederico, but he prefers to be called Fred. I call him Fred out of respect for him, but when I speak to others about him he is either Freddie or Frederick.
I met him through my best friend Andrea. We went on a double date and she was with Frederico's cousin Gabriel. Now, this guy is so good looking that when you think about him you have to stop, sigh and picture him for a moment. Anyways, we really hit it off. At least I think we did. We even exchanged numbers!
Andrea and I sang for them in the car and I was so surprised at how confident I was and then the guys clapped. It was the most fun I've had in quite a while, despite the fact they are both 21, which might scare my parents a bit. Maybe he didn't even really like me! But, I still had such a blast and for him to like me would just be a major plus.
Tomorrow we are going to try and go out again. I'll keep you updated.
Love Always Amanda
01/27/00
Dear Journal,
Today was not a very good day. I got to school and immediately remembered Frederico. The truth is, I found out, that he really did like me. We went out with just me, Gabriel and Frederico. We went to a movie and he opened doors for me and held my hand in the theater. He is such a sweetheart. The only thing wrong with him is that he smokes which is sickening at times, but I can deal. I wish I could get to know him better. He is leaving on Tuesday, Feb. 1st, 2000, to Houston, TX to visit his half sister. I don't know if he is coming back. He lives in Brazil. I always get the guys who hurt me somehow in the end.
For example; I have a week to get to know Frederico and get him to know me enough to remember me. Andrea says to kiss him, leave him with a priceless and precious kiss. It's a good idea, but I have never and I mean never made the kissing move. I have never had the guts to lean forward and kiss someone unless they move first. It's part of my major fear of rejection.
Love Always Amanda
02/06/2000
Dear Journal,
The picture on this page is Freddie and I. His true name is Frederico. He left for Brazil on Tuesday of
this week. In the photo we are at a movie theater right before our last movie together.
About my last day with Frederick. After my speech meeting with Mrs. Ellison, I waited for him at the table by the front door to my High School. I was talking to to some friends when suddenly I felt his hand on my back. I turned around smiling and grabbed my backpack and all of my stuff and walked with him to the car where Gabriel was waiting. I sat in the front and Frederick took my backpack to the back seat with him.
I was very outgoing and confident the whole night. First we went to a frozen lake and made some snow angels. We did the angels because Gabriel kept telling us to. We kept saying no, but then they both turned to me and said that if I made a snow angel first, they would too. I said no at first, but right when we were about to leave, I turned to them and said. "You guys wouldn't really do angels if I did, would you?" All of a sudden Fred jumped into the snow, put his hood on and made a snow angel. We took pictures of it
and I asked if I still had to make one. Fred kept saying no, and Gabriel said I had to because I said I would. I decided it was my last chance so I said. "I'm gonna make one!" Fred kept saying "No, Amanda, you don't have to do this." As if it was such an awful thing to do. I made a snow angel and wrote my name by it. We took pictures and I was wet and cold at the same time. It was okay though because we all were wet and cold together.
After that we went to see Andrea at work, then to a movie where Freddie held my hand the entire movie. On the way home I gave him one of my teddy bears with my perfume on it. I also gave him a few other things and he smiled at me with such a cute look on his face. Then he pulled me close and held my hand and stroked it all the way home. When we got to my house, he grabbed my backpack for me and I got out and right as I was about to grab my backpack from him, he grabbed my waist with his other hand and started to kiss me. First it was tender with no tongue, then a little tongue, then back to romantic. He had the softest lips. It was the most unique and wonderful kiss I have ever experienced.
Even though we only knew each other for a short time. I know I have strong feelings for him and I really miss him. I hope he at least comes to visit me this summer.
Love Always Amanda
12/02/00
Dear Journal,
Frederico just recently wrote me the sweetest letter telling me he might be coming here in January and that he misses me! There is nothing wrong with him, he's wonderful!
Love Always Amanda
01/25/01
Dear Journal,
Frederico was supposed to come pick me up at school today, because he is back in town and he wanted to get together. But he stood me up. However, he called on Friday and very sincerely apologized for not being there to pick me up. He said he tried to get a hold of me on Wednesday, but no one answered. He apologized like a million times and said that if it would have been him, he would have been really upset. So he understood where I was coming from. So, on Sunday we went out after the football game - as in the Superbowl. I was pretty sure this was going to be a boring night.
We went to perkins by my house and just talked and laughed. Then Frederico said "I have to go to the bathroom." I was like "Thanks for sharing. It's over there." And I gestured to where the bathroom was. He looked at my like I was a crazy person. He went to the bathroom and when he came back he kept finding excuses to put his arm around me and every time he did, I blushed a little bit more. When he grabbed my hand, I'd have to say I turned bright red, and I really tried hard to hide it. It was very late and I was tired, so when he started to caress my hand, I thought I could fall asleep. But while I was fighting to stay awake and stop blushing, Fred started making jokes and talking about things to make Gabriel and I laugh.
One of the things he said was about an email he got that said Mickey Mouse and Batman and Robin are Gay. I don't remember the rest of it. But whatever the joke was it was funny enough for us both to laugh. The next thing he said was about why Popeye and that big guy always fight over Olive. I was like "Because she's beautiful." Fred said. "No, She's ugly." We laughed and laughed. I don't think she's ugly, but he surprised me with his comment, plus I was still fighting all the blushing.
He held my hand and stroked it the whole time. Then Gabriel destroyed my night by checking the time. It was time for me to go, and Fred is so respectful of me and my family that he was worried about getting me home late, so we had to go. He insisted on paying as usual. He opened the car door for me, being the gentleman that he is, then when we got in the car he put his hand by my seat motioning for me to hold it frantically. It was so cute when I finally found out what he was doing. When we got to my house, he said he'd walk me up to my door. He walked me up and he stood and talked for a while. I was so cold that I was shivering all over, trying not to make my voice shake.
He gave me a hug then he was talking about how it was easier for him to tell what I was thinking and feeling than it was with Andrea. Then all of a sudden we heard a vroom vroom from Gabriel's car in the driveway. I looked at Fred and I was like. "I think that is your signal." He was like "Yeah, Gabriel probably wants to go." Well, Fred obviously didn't want to go because he smiled, took my hands and talked to me some more. Eventually we heard the vroom vroom again and Fred said he'd better go. I hated to hear that. So I just gave an uncomfortable laugh as he moved in and again gave me the kiss of a lifetime, it just felt so right. When a man can caress your cheek with his hand and you get tingles all over, he has got to be special. He said that he hoped to see me again. He kissed me again and I cherished it with all my heart. He said Goodbye and left. He hasn't called me since, but when I went up to my room that night and closed my eyes, I just remembered that last kiss over and over and over again. I wrote something about him.
As I look into his crystal blue eyes, he moves closer and closer to my lips. Smiling, he touches his lips to mine. My stomach fills with happy butterflies. I smile when he backs away and he smiles back and moves slowly towards me again to give me yet another amazing sensation of affection. I tremble from the cold as I once again, say goodbye to my Brazilian prince. I watch him go as yet another tear, more full of love than the last, falls from my eye.
Love Always Amanda
02/01/2001
Dear Journal,
I thought I wasn't every going to see Frederico again. I called him on Gabriel's Birthday, which was on Tuesday. I talked to him for only a minute before he told me he had to go. He asked if I wanted to talk to Gabriel and I said, Sure! When he got on the phone, I said Happy Birthday and told him to tell Fred to call me, I don't care how late it is. Gabriel was like "Are you sure?" and I was like "Yeah"I said "Have fun!" and hung up the phone. As soon as I hung up, I just started crying. I couldn't believe I would have to wait another year to see him.
Suddenly, he called me back and asked if I wanted to go to Mystic Lake Casino for Gabriel's Birthday. I was like; "Are you serious?" and he was like "Yeah". So I said yes and he said they'd be there in 5 minutes to pick me up. I was basically ready to go except to wipe the mascara from my eyes. I went down to tell my Dad the great news. He was reluctant to let me go at first, but I promised him that I would get up and go to school in the morning and that I wouldn't miss the bus. So, he let me go.
I wasn't nervous at all. I just wanted to see him. When he got there it was so slippery on our driveway that Gabriel couldn't get all the way up. When I was walking down to the car. Frederico was attempting to come up to me. I was only halfway down when I got to him and started slipping down. He grabbed on to me and I grabbed on to him as we slid down together. It was actually pretty funny. But also, freaking adorable. He opened the car door for me and I got in the front with Gabriel and talked to him about his birthday and whatever else I could think of. I didn't want him feeling like a third wheel on his birthday. Frederico kept asking me if I was okay because on the phone I sounded really sad.
Frederico didn't touch me the whole ride there I kept saying to myself that this night was going to suck, but it didn't. I had a wonderful time. I watched him gamble for a bit and then we sat and talked on the gambling stools for a while. I can still feel his hand on my back and see his smile. When time was up at the casino, I felt really bad. The crying feeling in my throat came back. He saw that I was sad, so he opened my car door for me and let me in. Then he held me and stroked my hand the whole way home. The song "Angel" by shaggy played on the radio and it became our song.
When we got to my house we stood outside my door and hugged and kissed a little. He was about to leave when I confessed why I was sad. I didn't want him to leave me again. He held me and said that he didn't want to leave either. Then he kissed me. A LOT! and all of the sudden we heard Gabriel yell something in Portuguese. He had to go. I told him to wait. I ran inside and up to my room and I got Henry (My well-loved stuffed dog.) and put my perfume all over him. I ran back down and gave it to him. He gave me what I thought was going to be one last kiss, but then he kept coming back for one more. He literally did that like 10 times. Then as I giggled, he finally left and blew me a kiss on his way down the stairs. I miss him.
Love Always Amanda
I never heard from him again. No letters or phone calls as far as I know. The rest of my journal is talking about my college plans and then my final days before college. I know that no matter what happens. I will never forget him. It helps that I have these journal entries to remind me, but I'd say my relationship with him was the first time I had strong feelings for a guy and the first time I really fell in love. I wast too afraid to admit such a thing at the time, but looking back on those moments, I know that it's true.
Friday, February 8, 2019
High School Romance
I have this little journal. It's white with blue on the edge and closes with two white ribbons. On the cover it says "Touched by an Angel". I love going back and reading this journal because it was this little snap shot of what High school was like. Sometimes I read things and I'm like "Oh yeah! I remember that." and other times I'm like "I don't even know who that person is." But what I love reading the most is that throughout the journal there is a continuing love story between me and this guy that my best friend Andrea introduced me to.
When we first met, it was because he was visiting from Brazil, and Andrea was dating his cousin who he was staying with named Gabriel. Throughout the journal, It talks about the moment we first met, to the very end of our relationship. Every moment of our relationship was sweet and romantic. It's probably the most intense and epically romantic relationship I have had in my entire life and no sex was involved.
On our first date I remember the four of us sitting at a restaurant and I was showing off how much Spanish I knew. Frederico spoke Portuguese but he also was mostly fluent in English. He was surprised by my ability to speak Spanish back then. I've lost most of that, but at he time I was pretty good at Spanish and he could understand most of what I was saying. We had a really good time that night. He was the sweetest guy back then. I have no idea who he is today, I'm sure he has changed quite a bit, but hopefully not too much.
Frederico was only visiting, so throughout the journal, he leaves, occasionally calls or writes letters, and then we find each other together every once in while when he is back to visit. He was a fantastic kisser. He smoked cigarettes which I always found to be a disgusting habit, but he was really good at putting mint gum in his mouth and he never tasted like cigarettes.
There are two moments in our relationship that I will never forget. One time, it was on of the times he was leaving, so it was the last time I was going to see him unless he came back to visit. Gabriel and him were bugging me to jump in the snow and make a snow angel and they said that if I did it, they would do it too. I kept saying No, but then I turned to them as we were about to walk away and said. "Are you sure you would make one if I made one?" and Frederico jumped in the snow and made a snow angel. I remember asking if I needed to make one still, and Gabriel said that I had to because I said I would and Frederico was like, "No, Amanda, you don't have to do this." I decided to do it. "I'm gonna make one" I proclaimed. So I jumped into the snow and made a snow angel next to Fredericos, I have a picture of me standing next to the two snow angels in my journal, so that makes it even easier to remember.
Another moment in time that I don't ever want to forget, is when Frederico said Goodbye to me for the last time. He had come into town and during that time we had gotten together one night, but then it was getting near the end of the time that he was going to be here and it was Gabriel's birthday. I called Frederico and he said he had to go shortly after we got on the phone, he asked me if I wanted to talk to Gabriel and I said sure. I told Gabriel "Happy Birthday and to please tell Fred that as soon as he is available to call me, I don't care how late it is." Gabriel said "Are you sure?" and I replied "Yes." After I got off the phone with him, I cried. I was worried this was my last chance to see him and that I wouldn't be able to.
A few minutes later Frederico called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Mystic Lake Casino for Gabriel's Birthday. I told him that I would and they said they would be there to pick me up in 5 minutes. So, besides having to clean the mascara from under my eyes, I was pretty much ready to go. I had to convince my Dad to let me go, but he did as long as I promised to go to school the next day, which I did. At the casino I watched Fred gamble a little and we talked on the casino stools for a while. As soon as it was time to leave the Casino I started feeling sad. I couldn't believe that it was possibly the end. Fred opened the car door for me as he always did and he held my hand on the way home because he could tell that I was sad. When we got to the house he walked me up to the house and he gave me a romantic and tender kiss, and was about to leave, but before he left I admitted to him why I was sad. I told him I really didn't want him to leave again. And he said, "I don't want to leave either." He grabbed me and kissed me more intensely. He was wild with passion. It was so intense and amazing. He then started to leave, but came back for another kiss, and he did this like 10 times, and I started to giggle, and he then left and blew a kiss as he waved to me. I was so sad. I walked in the door and cried and cried. My Dad was still up and he hugged me.
When I think about this moment, I re-live the joy I felt and the love, and the passion and everything that came with it, including the sadness I felt when he left. I never saw him again after that. He probably moved on. But I'll never forget him or the intense emotions I felt for him. I wonder sometimes if he remembers me. I gave him all sorts of momentos to remember me by. Throughout our relationship, I gave him a few of my stuffed animals with perfume on them, and I think I gave him letters. I don't know what I did with his letters. I mention in my journal that he wrote to me, but I don't know if they were hand written or over email and I definitely don't have access to the same email accounts that I had back then. I wish I had them. I should have kept every letter ever written to me by hand. Oh well, I still have plenty of memories to look back on.
This relationship stands above the rest. I know, I know. I'm married and married to a wonderful man which I would not change for the world, but nothing can compare to the timing, the innocence, the love, and the passion that came along with this romantic story. I was a different person back then. With Chris it is a new kind of love, a new kind of passion, and a new me involved in the relationship.
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