The Very Real Story of Frederico. My Brazilian Love.

The following are a series of journal entries from one of my journals from High School. Within it's pages, I document a short lived love story between me and a 21 year old guy from Brazil that my best friend Andrea sets me up with. I tried to edit the entries so they were easier to read. I wanted this documented somewhere online. My plan is to eventually turn the entries into a short story. But I really wanted to share the real and true story, before making it into a work of fiction to share with the masses. If you have come across this. I hope you enjoy this High School Romance story about a girl and her first love. 

01/23/00

Dear Journal, 

I found someone to keep my mind off of other boys for a while. His name is Frederico, but he prefers to be called Fred. I call him Fred out of respect for him, but when I speak to others about him he is either Freddie or Frederick.

I met him through my best friend Andrea. We went on a double date and she was with Frederico's cousin Gabriel. Now, this guy is so good looking that when you think about him you have to stop, sigh and picture him for a moment. Anyways, we really hit it off. At least I think we did. We even exchanged numbers!

Andrea and I sang for them in the car and I was so surprised at how confident I was and then the guys clapped. It was the most fun I've had in quite a while, despite the fact they are both 21, which might scare my parents a bit. Maybe he didn't even really like me! But, I still had such a blast and for him to like me would just be a major plus. 

Tomorrow we are going to try and go out again. I'll keep you updated. 

Love Always Amanda

01/27/00

Dear Journal, 

Today was not a very good day. I got to school and immediately remembered Frederico. The truth is, I found out, that he really did like me. We went out with just me, Gabriel and Frederico. We went to a movie and he opened doors for me and held my hand in the theater. He is such a sweetheart. The only thing wrong with him is that he smokes which is sickening at times, but I can deal. I wish I could get to know him better.  He is leaving on Tuesday, Feb. 1st, 2000, to Houston, TX to visit his half sister. I don't know if he is coming back. He lives in Brazil. I always get the guys who hurt me somehow in the end. 

For example; I have a week to get to know Frederico and get him to know me enough to remember me. Andrea says to kiss him, leave him with a priceless and precious kiss. It's a good idea, but I have never and I mean never made the kissing move. I have never had the guts to lean forward and kiss someone unless they move first. It's part of my major fear of rejection. 

Love Always Amanda

02/06/2000

Dear Journal, 

The picture on this page is Freddie and I. His true name is Frederico. He left for Brazil on Tuesday of

this week. In the photo we are at a movie theater right before our last movie together. 

About my last day with Frederick. After my speech meeting with Mrs. Ellison, I waited for him at the table by the front door to my High School. I was talking to to some friends when suddenly I felt his hand on my back. I turned around smiling and grabbed my backpack and all of my stuff and walked with him to the car where Gabriel was waiting. I sat in the front and Frederick took my backpack to the back seat with him. 

I was very outgoing and confident the whole night. First we went to a frozen lake and made some snow angels. We did the angels because Gabriel kept telling us to. We kept saying no, but then they both turned to me and said that if I made a snow angel first, they would too. I said no at first, but right when we were about to leave, I turned to them and said. "You guys wouldn't really do angels if I did, would you?" All of a sudden Fred jumped into the snow, put his hood on and made a snow angel. We took pictures of it

and I asked if I still had to make one. Fred kept saying no, and Gabriel said I had to because I said I would. I decided it was my last chance so I said. "I'm gonna make one!" Fred kept saying "No, Amanda, you don't have to do this." As if it was such an awful thing to do. I made a snow angel and wrote my name by it. We took pictures and I was wet and cold at the same time. It was okay though because we all were wet and cold together. 

After that we went to see Andrea at work,  then to a movie where Freddie held my hand the entire movie. On the way home I gave him one of my teddy bears with my perfume on it. I also gave him a few other things and he smiled at me with such a cute look on his face. Then he pulled me close and held my hand and stroked it all the way home. When we got to my house, he grabbed my backpack for me and I got out and right as I was about to grab my backpack from him, he grabbed my waist with his other hand and started to kiss me. First it was tender with no tongue, then a little tongue, then back to romantic. He had the softest lips. It was the most unique and wonderful kiss I have ever experienced. 

Even though we only knew each other for a short time. I know I have strong feelings for him and I really miss him. I hope he at least comes to visit me this summer. 

Love Always Amanda

12/02/00

Dear Journal, 

Frederico just recently wrote me the sweetest letter telling me he might be coming here in January and that he misses me! There is nothing wrong with him, he's wonderful! 

Love Always Amanda

01/25/01

Dear Journal, 

Frederico was supposed to come pick me up at school today, because he is back in town and he wanted to get together. But he stood me up. However, he called on Friday and very sincerely apologized for not being there to pick me up. He said he tried to get a hold of me on Wednesday, but no one answered. He apologized like a million times and said that if it would have been him, he would have been really upset. So he understood where I was coming from. So, on Sunday we went out after the football game - as in the Superbowl. I was pretty sure this was going to be a boring night. 

We went to perkins by my house and just talked and laughed. Then Frederico said "I have to go to the bathroom." I was like "Thanks for sharing. It's over there." And I gestured to where the bathroom was. He looked at my like I was a crazy person. He went to the bathroom and when he came back he kept finding excuses to put his arm around me and every time he did, I blushed a little bit more. When he grabbed my hand, I'd have to say I turned bright red, and I really tried hard to hide it. It was very late and I was tired, so when he started to caress my hand, I thought I could fall asleep. But while I was fighting to stay awake and stop blushing, Fred started making jokes and talking about things to make Gabriel and I laugh. 

One of the things he said was about an email he got that said Mickey Mouse and Batman and Robin are Gay. I don't remember the rest of it. But whatever the joke was it was funny enough for us both to laugh. The next thing he said was about why Popeye and that big guy always fight over Olive. I was like "Because she's beautiful." Fred said. "No, She's ugly." We laughed and laughed. I don't think she's ugly, but he surprised me with his comment, plus I was still fighting all the blushing. 

He held my hand and stroked it the whole time. Then Gabriel destroyed my night by checking the time. It was time for me to go, and Fred is so respectful of me and my family that he was worried about getting me home late, so we had to go. He insisted on paying as usual. He opened the car door for me, being the gentleman that he is, then when we got in the car he put his hand by my seat motioning for me to hold it frantically. It was so cute when I finally found out what he was doing. When we got to my house, he said he'd walk me up to my door. He walked me up and he stood and talked for a while. I was so cold that I was shivering all over, trying not to make my voice shake. 

He gave me a hug then he was talking about how it was easier for him to tell what I was thinking and feeling than it was with Andrea. Then all of a sudden we heard a vroom vroom from Gabriel's car in the driveway. I looked at Fred and I was like. "I think that is your signal." He was like "Yeah, Gabriel probably wants to go." Well, Fred obviously didn't want to go because he smiled, took my hands and talked to me some more. Eventually we heard the vroom vroom again and Fred said he'd better go. I hated to hear that. So I just gave an uncomfortable laugh as he moved in and again gave me the kiss of a lifetime, it just felt so right. When a man can caress your cheek with his hand and you get tingles all over, he has got to be special. He said that he hoped to see me again. He kissed me again and I cherished it with all my heart. He said Goodbye and left. He hasn't called me since, but when I went up to my room that night and closed my eyes, I just remembered that last kiss over and over and over again. I wrote something about him. 

As I look into his crystal blue eyes, he moves closer and closer to my lips. Smiling, he touches his lips to mine. My stomach fills with happy butterflies. I smile when he backs away and he smiles back and moves slowly towards me again to give me yet another amazing sensation of affection. I tremble from the cold as I once again, say goodbye to my Brazilian prince. I watch him go as yet another tear, more full of love than the last, falls from my eye.

Love Always Amanda

02/01/2001

Dear Journal, 

I thought I wasn't every going to see Frederico again. I called him on Gabriel's Birthday, which was on Tuesday. I talked to him for only a minute before he told me he had to go. He asked if I wanted to talk to Gabriel and I said, Sure! When he got on the phone, I said Happy Birthday and told him to tell Fred to call me, I don't care how late it is. Gabriel was like "Are you sure?" and I was like "Yeah"I said "Have fun!" and hung up the phone. As soon as I hung up, I just started crying. I couldn't believe I would have to wait another year to see him. 

Suddenly, he called me back and asked if I wanted to go to Mystic Lake Casino for Gabriel's Birthday. I was like; "Are you serious?"  and he was like "Yeah". So I said yes and he said they'd be there in 5 minutes to pick me up. I was basically ready to go except to wipe the mascara from my eyes. I went down to tell my Dad the great news. He was reluctant to let me go at first, but I promised him that I would get up and go to school in the morning and that I wouldn't miss the bus. So, he let me go. 

I wasn't nervous at all. I just wanted to see him. When he got there it was so slippery on our driveway that Gabriel couldn't get all the way up. When I was walking down to the car. Frederico was attempting to come up to me. I was only halfway down when I got to him and started slipping down. He grabbed on to me and I grabbed on to him as we slid down together. It was actually pretty funny. But also, freaking adorable. He opened the car door for me and I got in the front with Gabriel and talked to him about his birthday and whatever else I could think of. I didn't want him feeling like a third wheel on his birthday. Frederico kept asking me if I was okay because on the phone I sounded really sad. 

Frederico didn't touch me the whole ride there I kept saying to myself  that this night was going to suck, but it didn't. I had a wonderful time. I watched him gamble for a bit and then we sat and talked on the gambling stools for a while. I can still feel his hand on my back and see his smile. When time was up at the casino, I felt really bad. The crying feeling in my throat came back. He saw that I was sad, so he opened my car door for me and let me in. Then he held me and stroked my hand the whole way home. The song "Angel" by shaggy played on the radio and it became our song. 

When we got to my house we stood outside my door and hugged and kissed a little. He was about to leave when I confessed why I was sad. I didn't want him to leave me again. He held me and said that he didn't want to leave either. Then he kissed me. A LOT! and all of the sudden we heard Gabriel yell something in Portuguese. He had to go. I told him to wait. I ran inside and up to my room and I got Henry (My well-loved stuffed dog.) and put my perfume all over him. I ran back down and gave it to him. He gave me what I thought was going to be one last kiss, but then he kept coming back for one more. He literally did that like 10 times. Then as I giggled, he finally left and blew me a kiss on his way down the stairs. I miss him. 

Love Always Amanda

I never heard from him again.  No letters or phone calls as far as I know. The rest of my journal is talking about my college plans and then my final days before college. I know that no matter what happens. I will never forget him. It helps that I have these journal entries to remind me, but I'd say my relationship with him was the first time I had strong feelings for a guy and the first time I really fell in love. I wast too afraid to admit such a thing at the time, but looking back on those moments, I know that it's true. 

High School Romance

I have this little journal. It's white with blue on the edge and closes with two white ribbons. On the cover it says "Touched by an Angel". I love going back and reading this journal because it was this little snap shot of what High school was like. Sometimes I read things and I'm like "Oh yeah! I remember that." and other times I'm like "I don't even know who that person is." But what I love reading the most is that throughout the journal there is a continuing love story between me and this guy that my best friend Andrea introduced me to.

When we first met, it was because he was visiting from Brazil, and Andrea was dating his cousin who he was staying with named Gabriel. Throughout the journal, It talks about the moment we first met, to the very end of our relationship. Every moment of our relationship was sweet and romantic. It's probably the most intense and epically romantic relationship I have had in my entire life and no sex was involved. 

On our first date I remember the four of us sitting at a restaurant and I was showing off how much Spanish I knew. Frederico spoke Portuguese but he also was mostly fluent in English. He was surprised by my ability to speak Spanish back then. I've lost most of that, but at he time I was pretty good at Spanish and he could understand most of what I was saying. We had a really good time that night. He was the sweetest guy back then. I have no idea who he is today, I'm sure he has changed quite a bit, but hopefully not too much. 

Frederico was only visiting, so throughout the journal, he leaves, occasionally calls or writes letters, and then we find each other together every once in while when he is back to visit. He was a fantastic kisser. He smoked cigarettes which I always found to be a disgusting habit, but he was really good at putting mint gum in his mouth and he never tasted like cigarettes. 

There are two moments in our relationship that I will never forget. One time, it was on of the times he was leaving, so it was the last time I was going to see him unless he came back to visit. Gabriel and him were bugging me to jump in the snow and make a snow angel and they said that if I did it, they would do it too. I kept saying No, but then I turned to them as we were about to walk away and said. "Are you sure you would make one if I made one?" and Frederico jumped in the snow and made a snow angel. I remember asking if I needed to make one still, and Gabriel said that I had to because I said I would and Frederico was like, "No, Amanda, you don't have to do this." I decided to do it. "I'm gonna make one" I proclaimed. So I jumped into the snow and made a snow angel next to Fredericos, I have a picture of me standing next to the two snow angels in my journal, so that makes it even easier to remember. 

Another moment in time that I don't ever want to forget, is when Frederico said Goodbye to me for the last time. He had come into town and during that time we had gotten together one night, but then it was getting near the end of the time that he was going to be here and it was Gabriel's birthday. I called Frederico and he said he had to go shortly after we got on the phone, he asked me if I wanted to talk to Gabriel and I said sure. I told Gabriel "Happy Birthday and to please tell Fred that as soon as he is available to call me, I don't care how late it is." Gabriel said "Are you sure?" and I replied "Yes." After I got off the phone with him, I cried. I was worried this was my last chance to see him and that I wouldn't be able to. 

A few minutes later Frederico called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Mystic Lake Casino for Gabriel's Birthday. I told him that I would and they said they would be there to pick me up in 5 minutes. So, besides having to clean the mascara from under my eyes, I was pretty much ready to go. I had to convince my Dad to let me go, but he did as long as I promised to go to school the next day, which I did. At the casino I watched Fred gamble a little and we talked on the casino stools for a while. As soon as it was time to leave the Casino I started feeling sad. I couldn't believe that it was possibly the end. Fred opened the car door for me as he always did and he held my hand on the way home because he could tell that I was sad. When we got to the house he walked me up to the house and he gave me a romantic and tender kiss, and was about to leave, but before he left I admitted to him why I was sad. I told him I really didn't want him to leave again. And he said, "I don't want to leave either." He grabbed me and kissed me more intensely. He was wild with passion. It was so intense and amazing. He then started to leave, but came back for another kiss, and he did this like 10 times, and I started to giggle, and he then left and blew a kiss as he waved to me. I was so sad.  I walked in the door and cried and cried. My Dad was still up and he hugged me. 

When I think about this moment, I re-live the joy I felt and the love, and the passion and everything that came with it, including the sadness I felt when he left. I never saw him again after that. He probably moved on. But I'll never forget him or the intense emotions I felt for him. I wonder sometimes if he remembers me. I gave him all sorts of momentos to remember me by. Throughout our relationship, I gave him a few of my stuffed animals with perfume on them, and I think I gave him letters. I don't know what I did with his letters. I mention in my journal that he wrote to me, but I don't know if they were hand written or over email and I definitely don't have access to the same email accounts that I had back then. I wish I had them. I should have kept every letter ever written to me by hand. Oh well, I still have plenty of memories to look back on. 

This relationship stands above the rest. I know, I know. I'm married and married to a wonderful man which I would not change for the world, but nothing can compare to the timing, the innocence, the love, and the passion that came along with this romantic story. I was a different person back then. With Chris it is a new kind of love, a new kind of passion, and a new me involved in the relationship. 

Life Lessons We All Need to Learn

Learn to clarify your core values. 

Learn to meditate. 

Learn to create your life vision. 

Learn to face your fears. 

Learn to be Grateful. 

Learn to find the silver lining. 

Learn to be in the moment. 

Learn to love yourself. 

Learn to forgive yourself. 

Learn to Let Go.

The Afterlife of Billy Fingers

I'm reading this book right now about this woman. Her brother, who was a drug addict, ends up dying in a car crash. At some point after his death, she starts to hear him talking to her in her head and seeing him in the clouds and he's telling her about the Afterlife and asking her to write a book about it.

I feel like I came across this book at the right time. Because there was a time in my life that I would have thought it was a load of crock. But, right now was the perfect time to find this book and read it because I can really relate to the woman writing the book. She goes by Annie and like me she goes on a very spiritual journey while her brother Billy is talking to her.

At one point in the book, she talks about how she goes to Jamaica and decides to spread his ashes at Dunns River Falls. While there she finds a guide to help her climb the falls so that she can release the ashes into one of the pools on the way up. She finds a guide named Willie who seemed reluctant to help her, but perks up when she tells him her reason for wanting to do this. So he agrees to help her and he helps her climb the falls and she's very scared the whole time. They get to one of the pools and she gets into the pool and spreads his ashes in the pool and she cries and Willie cries, and then they continue climbing the falls. Annie is so scared she needs Willie's help the entire way up. They make it to the top and Willie hugs Annie and she goes and talks to this other woman who tells her that Willie's brother died in the falls. Annie runs to Willie to talk to him about his brother and it turns out that his brother was drunk and dancing by the falls and fell to his death, and Willie saw the whole thing. Annie and Willie went for a walk hand in hand after this just enjoying each other's company. Then Annie gave Willie money for being her guide and Willie said he'd never forget her or Billy.

Not only did this story make me tear up, but I was on the treadmill while I was reading it, and after finishing it, I got full body chills, and seconds after that I looked up on the treadmill clock and saw 222, which is a universal synchronicity or an Angel number, whatever you want to call it, but regardless it means something to me.

This was a very profound and spiritual experience for me. One I will probably cherish for years to come.  I can only hope that I have more of these experiences as life goes on. You have to read the story to feel what I felt from it. It's written  so well in the book that it is much more touching.

I recommend reading the book "The Afterlife of Billy Fingers" for anyone with an open mind about the afterlife. It's given me hope and wonder and opened up my mind to possibilities. I'm not even finished, but I know I will finish it and that it will be wonderful.

One thing I really like about the book is that you follow Annie in her life here on earth while she is hearing about Billy's new life in the afterlife. It's very interesting and touches the heart. Read it if it sounds intriguing to you.

Suppressed Medical Technologies

I want the world to know that there are actually technologies that exist RIGHT NOW that can cure any disease. No one needs to live with a disease or die from a disease - ANY DISEASE. However the Government, the FDA, and the pharmaceutical companies, and potentially other corporations that take part in ruling our world, are stopping these technologies from being available to the public. 

There are also many natural cures that are being hidden from the media or taken out of medical text books because anything that would fix a medical problem is bad for them. It takes away power, money and control from them. They'd like to keep us sick, poor, compliant, and close to death or dead. I'd like to share with you some of the technologies that are being suppressed, some of them will sound too good to be true and some of them you might heard of in recent scientific news articles. 

1. Organ 3D printing. Currently they have been able to successfully print human organs. I know that they are currently doing this, and once perfected, no one would have to be on an organ donor list, they'd just be able to print the organ you needed from embryonic stem cells. 

2. A cellphone sized scanner is available. You place it on your chest and it can zoom in down to the cellular level and can find any disease in your body and get rid of it. For example, it can pinpoint where the cancer cells are in your body and destroy them. This exists right now. Everyone that is suffering from cancer and chemotherapy doesn't have to be. Everyone that has died from cancer didn't have to. This is real and everyone should have one. Currently it's only available to the elite. 

3. There is a table that has an AI associated with it. You lay on the table and it creates a holographic image of your body above you. (Similar to the movie The Black Panther - but without the need for a human to run it). The table and the AI attached to it, understand what to do. It knows what is wrong with you and knows what part of the body to fix. It can fix anything from cancer to a broken bone. Every human being should have this technology in their house. 

4. There is a machine that can shoot photons into the body at an atomic level and can regenerate the body. If you can regenerate the body, you can basically live forever. 

5. IV catheter that uses light to heal. It has all different colors of light attached to it. As the blood goes through the light, it changes your DNA to enhance the entire body. Including making you healthier and healing you. It can also give you heightened senses and psychic abilities. 

These are all very real, but they aren't being shared with the public, and it's not okay and it's not fair, and there's not much we can do about it, but there are people out there who are taking action and trying to get these out to the people as soon as possible. 

The best way to support these people is to meditate on a future with these suppressed technologies already being shared with the world. 

We are being controlled by corporations who just want money and power, they don't care how sick we get or if we die from illnesses every day that can easily be prevented. We need to fight this. People deserve to know and they deserve to live without the fear of disease and sickness. It's time to rise above the corporations and come together and fight for our right to be healthy. 

Education Dreams

I keep on having these re-occurring dreams about being in a school setting and I don't know what they mean. There are always other people there going through the experience with me. 

Many times, I am re-taking Highschool, which makes no sense and many other times, I've gone back to college and am staying in the dorms. 

One of these dreams, I've decided to do a program that's kind of far away from home and plan to come home every weekend. 

I know that I miss the "safe haven" that college represents. I mean classes weren't easy and college wasn't always easy, but you are in this safe little bubble while you are in college sort of getting shielded from that adult life that is coming once you are out. 

Does anyone know what these dream mean? Is there something about education or schooling or something that pertains to my future or my life? I'd love anyone's insights. I never want to leave the dreams. I always want to keep sleeping until the dream is over. It's strange. Any dream advice or knowledge of meaning of dreams would be appreciated! 

Alien Dream

I had this dream last night that had to do with these weird looking aliens. They were short, had huge eyes and were sort of bluish. They reminded me of like a claymation style alien. Anyways, they were flying around in these flying saucers abducting children. This was only part of the dream. I remember going to Chris and telling him that I had witnessed these Aliens taking the children and that I had tried to stop them. I commandeered one of their ships and tried to stop them from taking the children, but every time I tried to stop them, I would end up on the ground and the children would be gone.

No one could figure out whey they were only going after the children. Even those that didn't believe that any of it was true, were still speculating with me about why they aliens would only be taking children. There is a rumor going around about the fact that some aliens are creating hybrids, or it could be that they can't have children of their own so they are taking ours. There could be an entirely different reason for it, maybe they are saving them from something and they don't care about the adults.

The dream was so real that in my next dream I was still talking to Chris about it and told him it was his mission to save the children.

Then as the dream went on it got kinda weird. We were in sort of a college like setting and there was this guy there that I had only ever met at a vampire LARP a few times. His name is Shane, and he and I were like hitting it off. We were flirting and there was this crazy energy between us. So, I brought it up to Chris and asked him if I could do anything with this energy and Chris was like, yeah, of course, just don't do anything sexual with him. So, taking that into consideration, in the dream, I started seeing Shane and we watched movies together and had a nice time together. At this point the dream stopped being about aliens and started being more about relationships, but it was just so weird, I had to write about it.

Over the last few years, I've been really into aliens so that is no surprise, I don't understand them taking the children thing, and I definitely don't understand wanting a relationship with this guy I barely know and Chris even being okay with it. SO weird!